Don’t Take Anything Personally; #2 of The Four Agreements
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Ten years ago, I was terminated from my job. I’d been there for 11 months trying to “stick it out” even though I’d known this wasn’t the best company for me 2 months after starting there. At last, I was ready to admit defeat. I was ready to give up and move on, but the regional manager beat me to the punch and fired me before I could quit. Even though I was miserable there, I was still crushed about being terminated. I wasn’t the one in control of my exit. SHE let ME go. I took it personally, and it was an excruciating experience. The effects on my self-esteem lingered for years.
Scan forward to 5 years ago: There was a woman who was hired to lead a division at my company. She seemed to be bothered that the branch manager set me up as a senior employee over a different function and made me the division leader’s peer. Using some Machiavellian maneuvers, she created a situation during which she incited our manager to doubt my honor. I was crushed by our manager’s lack of faith in me, especially after years of trust-building. However, once she realized the misinterpretation, our manager became righteously angry and rectified the situation. At the time, I was unsure what caused me more suffering – the actions of the division leader or the reactions of our manager.
Scan forward to 2 years ago: While working for my last employer, a co-worker asked to see me in the conference room for an unscheduled, private meeting at the end of a workday. Little did I know, but I was about to be lambasted. She proceeded to name a few things I did that bothered her. She’d been put in charge of mentoring me as the new employee in the team. Her problems with me? I talked too loud, she was offended when I checked her schedule to see when she would be around, and she preferred me to ask questions via email rather than verbally. She said she was telling me these things in the spirit of “needing to be able to work better together” and asked if I had any problems with her. I was caught off guard to say the least. Obviously, our styles were very different, including this approach. I thought of one thing and told her. She was happy we’d had this little talk, but after she left the office that evening, I had to grab some Kleenex – it’d been a long time since I’d let someone make me cry.
I’ve used some real-life work-related episodes to demonstrate my personal experience with the second of the Four Agreements, “Don’t Take Things Personally”. Believe me, I could go on and on with non-work examples as well, but I think you get the point! So, what is this one all about? What does Ruiz mean when he says, “Nothing others do is because of you” and suggests that we be “immune to the opinions and actions of others”?
Well, for me, it’s about my reaction. More specifically, it’s about my ego’s reaction to others’ egos. This reminds me of how Stephen Covey in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, talks about responsibility being the ability to choose your response.
Ten years ago I didn’t get it at all. Five years ago there was a dawning of understanding that I could choose my response, my reaction. At that time, I made a conscious decision not to allow the division leader to affect my happiness at the job. Initially, the thought crossed my mind to quit the job. That evening, I regained my center, did a little objective analysis and decided to stay. There were so many wonderful things about the work I was doing there and about the others in the team that I loved. I decided not to allow this woman to affect my happiness. I would put a bubble of protection around my energy so as not to be drained by negativity. I would be cordial and professional and respectful, but I would not allow her to influence my energy with her issues.
Issues? Yes, using my discernment, I started to get an inkling that she might not be doing this because of me but maybe because of her own issues. Maybe she had deep-seated insecurities. Heaven knows I’ve done things out of my own deep-seated insecurities that I didn’t realize were destructive at the time. I hadn’t meant any harm in my unconscious actions. But even if she did mean to do harm, I determined that I would not receive it as such. I could refuse to receive the nastiness just as I could refuse a too-lavish gift. Ah, so this is what Ruiz means by, “What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.”
On top of that, I reasoned, the branch manager only doubted me for what could be considered a nanosecond in the time we’ve shared a friendship bond, and she quickly saw the error and apologized for it. The division leader was unsuccessful in her attempt to drive a wedge. So, I stayed, and I was glad. Then, as often happens when the spirit’s lesson is learned, the experience ends in the physical. The division leader’s husband got a job in another city, and she left the firm within two months – end of story!
Well, not exactly. There was that other episode I mentioned – the one with the coworker in the conference room. I sniffled and blew my nose for about 10 minutes, meaning I indulged my ego – gave it room to have a little drama. This time I gave it less room than before. Hey, I must be getting the hang of it! Anyway, once again I consciously changed my response. I remembered the lesson about not taking things personally. I remembered what I’d realized about others living out their own reality and their own dream… and how I have my own. I thought, “You know, maybe she has a point. Maybe I do get on her nerves in spite of my good intentions.” As soon as I acknowledged that possibility, I took responsibility. I exercised my ability to respond. From then on, I gave her space to be what she was being without egoistic reaction from me, and I tried to respect our differences (which I admit was not always easy to do!). I sought to understand what she needed during our relationship, and though we never really “got” each other, we managed to work together with some measure of effectiveness during the following year.
In The Four Agreements Companion Book, Ruiz’ provides some explanation through analogy of what I’ve been sharing: “Whoever crosses you becomes the best mirror, the best way for you to measure your own evolution. You don’t know how well you are doing before you have the challenge. When it’s just yourself, it’s hard to see. You can think you are doing so well, and you can go to an ashram and stay there for five years. Maybe you meditate and spend five years not eating meat, not having sex, and doing other things to transform your life. You feel very good about yourself, but then someone comes and crosses you, and boom! You need another five years in that ashram.”
What I didn’t fully realize until that coworker stirred me up during that conference room talk was that I am walking around with a projection of my own dream. In this case, I was shocked and abruptly awakened from my dream that I am doing so well and my centeredness is creating harmony for myself and all I encounter. What a crock, right? Let’s have a coke and stand in the field with flowers in our hair singing Kumbaya in perfect harmony. Whatever!
For me, “Don’t Take Things Personally” acts as a gauge with an alarm mechanism built in. Practicing it has served me well during my conscious awakening process. When I sense that I am taking things personally – whether it be negative feedback or praise – meaning that I am letting there be an automatic, unconscious reaction, then it is a signal that my ego might be taking charge. It is an awareness trigger for me. Don’t get me wrong… ego is not good or bad. I don’t wish to rid myself of my ego – this is not really possible anyway. I’ve realized that while my ego is part of me, I am not my ego. I also know that the “I” who is having this dream is my ego, and it is my wish to be awake now. For while awake, I am able to direct my dream with conscious acts of free will. In my understanding, this is truly the only control I have – all the rest is illusion.
Ruiz says that by practicing this agreement in your day-to-day living you will avoid needless suffering. Since it’s my ego having this dream, it’s my ego having this suffering. This knowledge has been profound to my life. I’ve also come to know that it’s not what you suffer that matters, it’s the vibrational energy of the suffering itself that affects all of creation. This is why there’s an imperative to shift and a call to change. Sounds a lot like Buddhism, doesn’t it… well, spiritual wisdom crosses all religious and philosophical lines. According to Ruiz, this is ancient Toltec wisdom.
And to bring the Hindus into it, this reminds me of something Mohandas Gandhi is attributed as saying… “We need to be the change we wish to see in the world.” In other words, as you shift, so must the world. Since I was raised Christian, let me pluck a phrase from an old hymn I first heard as a child – it goes, “Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me.”
No matter the reference source, this is how powerful “Don’t Take Things Personally” can be.
