Are You Getting What You Need?

The 3 Basic Human Needs
Susan Fowler, a motivation research and expert who often collaborates with Ken Blanchard, says we all have three basic needs: Choice, Connection, and Competence. She says, “You need to feel like you’ve picked your path, not that you’re being driven down it. Your goal should be linked to people or a purpose meaningful to you. And you want to continually learn and grow.”

She uses childhood analogies for each of the three needs. The need for choice or autonomy is having the perception of freedom, of control. You see it when feeding the baby who turns away from the spoon, refusing to eat. Connection or relatedness (another word Fowler uses for it) is like when the toddler grabs your face with both hands to look in your eyes and get your full attention. Competence, or the need to continually grow and learn, is like when the child is constantly asking, “Why?” In fact, knowing about this need made her start asking her children at the end of the day not “how was your day?” but, rather, “what did you learn?”

Getting What You Need
In my many years of working with people in career transition, I’ve noticed that when these needs aren’t getting met, it causes dissatisfaction, and dissatisfaction can result in a range of reactions from apathy and disengagement to anger and rash decisions. But what if you could raise your own awareness and do something to make sure you’re getting each of these needs met?

Recently, I’ve considered these three needs from a practical point of view, and I want to share some easy-to-do “techniques” for each one. These are things you can put into practice immediately (if you’re not already doing them).

Choice – A simple way to notice the choices you’re making is to use the magic of “really2x” because it quickly activates your built-in metacognitive ability. (Metacognition is your human ability to observe yourself thinking).

What do I mean by the magic of “really2x”? The word “really” is an adverb meant to emphasize something, but it’s so overused in our everyday language that our brain usually ignores it. But something magical happens when you use “really” two times in a question that you’d ask yourself. Such as “What do I really, really want?” or “What am I really, really choosing?” When you tack on that extra “really,” suddenly, you’re going much deeper beneath the surface than you would usually go. You’re moving aside layers of beliefs and unconscious choices.

Connection – Fowler points out two types of connection, to people and to purpose.

For people connection, what immediately comes to mind is, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood,” which you may recognize as one of the habits from Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Check out this great video aimed at teens about this habit (based on the version of the book for teens by Sean Covey) on YouTube – https://youtu.be/ZMwKebP5sFM. Acknowledging another person’s point of view and actively listening is a fantastic skill to practice for all relationships. It will definitely help to improve the quality of your connections.

For purpose connection, there are a couple of ways to go. One is to determine what you love doing so much that it contains purpose for you, and you can figure this out by asking yourself, “What do I enjoy doing so much that I lose track of time?” When you get into the zone or into “flow state” as psychologists call it, the pressure of time is removed because you’re not thinking, “When will I be done with this?” When you’re doing something that you don’t love or doesn’t feel purposeful to you, you become acutely aware of the passage of time. Another way to connect to purpose is to fill in the blank of the statement below because it will show you what motivates you to think like you think and do what you do. What you would put in the blank is what I like to call the “principle theme” of your life.

“The world would definitely be a better place if everyone did and/or believed this: __________________.”

Competence – It’s worth noting that this is not about the need to be taught or trained, though that may be part of it. It’s more about the need to feel like you’re actually gaining competence. When asked what she discovered in her interviews with student dropouts, Deborah Feldman, one of the authors of Why We Drop Out: Understanding and Disrupting Student Pathways to Leaving School, pointed out that a common “through line in many of their stories was some kind of academic challenge that undermined their faith in themselves as learners, that then led to helplessness and hopelessness about their ability to be a student, which was their primary job in life.”

Clearly, this is a life-long need. In my work with people considering a career transition, I’ve come to realize it’s widely underestimated in its importance by organizational leaders. And you might not find this surprising at all, but research has shown a positive link between lifelong learning and psychological wellbeing and health. In fact, lifelong learning is such an important need that the World Health Organization acknowledges it frequently throughout their Active Ageing Policy Framework.

Anyway, you already know that if you want something, you have to make the time and space for it to happen, right? That’s why I love this helpful idea from Jim Kwik, author of Limitless: Upgrade Your Brain, Learn Anything Faster, and Unlock Your Exceptional Life. He suggests that we not only have a “to-do” list but that we also have a “to-learn” list. What’s great about this is that you can easily make a list today during your next coffee break. Pro tip: Once you make your “to-learn” list, immediately block out some time on your calendar to take action on at least one item on your list.

__________________________________________________________

Angela Loeb is into self-development & personal empowerment, being awed by nature, writing, and helping people bring who they really, really are to what they do in life.
More at http://angelaloeb.com

© 2021